Name Our States!

It's November 2016 and Donald Trump has just become president of the United States of America. Hooray!

The IT Department in the White House have just set President Trump up with a brand new intranet username and password. These are exciting times. 

But oh no! Trump's been playing about in the wrong drive and accidentally deleted all the files about where the states are.

Not to worry, though. Mr. Trump was elected for good reason. He knows how to get out of a sticky situation like this one. He has delicately redrawn the internal borders of the USA as best he can from memory.

There's only 19 here, but I'm sure you'll admit. he's done a pretty good job with the resources in front of him! (MS Paint)

Also erased were the names of the states. Oops, sorry! El Presidente Trump would be able to recall, but he's pooped out, so here's where you come in, American citizen.

Being the unquestionably democratic leader he is (he wasn't voted in for no reason, after all!), he has put the job to the public. The senate have put their minds together and come up with some possible names for the places you live. Are any of these right? Let us know!

1:

• Copiborneo
• C-Section
• LosLassos
• The East

2:

• Duntch
• The Biggest and Best
• Me
• Winter

3:

• Thierry Henry
• Wow
• Yours
• Up

4:

• Alakablammo
• Shitsville
• No Roofs
• THE DORCHESTER

5:

• Soap-on-a-Rope
• Exhibition Centre
• Welcome
• South THE DORCHESTER

6:

• Eurasia
• Simon Says Illinois
• Burnt Toast
• Dare to dream

7:

• Wildcard
• "For Crying Out Loud!"
• Over the sea
• Chevrolet

8:

• East THE DORCHESTER
• Canadon't
• Nestle
• A pear in a partridge tree

9:

• Wonderful
• Parking
• Bitcoin?
• Smakkalap

10:

• Tax Heaven - Heaven for Taxes
• Water waste of coastline!
• Not on the Coast
• Eleven

11:

• Right round, baby, right round
• Clippy the Paperclip
• Sweswin
• Capital City

12:

• Big Prick
• Gunge
• Don'tchester
• People

13:

• Vince McMahon
• Hegelian Dialectics
• The Fantastic Fourteen Thousand Six Hundred and Nine
• The place you go to

14:

• Do-ver
• Sorti
• Gateway
• New Yorkshire

15:

• The Missus
• VilleTown
• Croop
• Weeing

16:

• Basically
• Both
• Brazil
• States

17:

• Floridan't
• Dadsicles
• Police HQ
• Holes

18:

• The Bits
• Champagne
• Mtn.
• Strobe

19:

• Lesotho
• Cup
• The Sims
• Olympics

Voting will take place at your local church or synagogue on 25th December. Thank you for taking the time to help us remember those pesky place names!

Mr. Trump would like to make it known that this is considered greater service to your country than serving in any military other than our own.

7 Unimpressed People you HAVE to try to impress!

1. Big deal. I've been able to whistle underwater since I were a wee lass. Next.

2. Yeah, you're pretty strong I guess, but I've never even heard of your music before. Try again, buddy.

3. This is just shit, mate.

4. Rome wasn't built in a day, so why should I care that you built that treehouse in two?

5. Your blood pressure's actually pretty normal, dude. What, your leg blew off, did it? I didn't think so.

6. No, no, no, no, no! Wotsits were absolutely not your idea. I don't believe you!

7. Nice one! You finally did it!

The Newsly Day - 14.04.2016

Unsolved equations 'too easy' for school janitors

As the academisation of the school system proceeds at the speed of ten, some resistance has come from a surprising source.

Matt Goodwill, of the UK Janitatorial Society, spoke out this morning about the dumbing down of curricula, the packing in of creative arts investment, and the crapping up of school lunches.

"All it's doing is making kids thick as ass. They're nowhere near the level at which it's appropriate for teachers to leave Millennium maths problems out on the notice boards"

But education secretary Nicky Morgan retaliated fervently: "We will be assigning badges to wear"

As nobody has any idea what this statement alludes to, or even means in its own right, the country is left perplexed as the government quashes yet another movement of resistance to the privatisation of public services.

My Week in Comedy

This week I attended a comedy event every single night and I reviewed them all in hindsight

Monday 07/03 - A Bunch of Japes, Smoke and Mirrors:

Small


Tuesday 08/03 - Dial 'M' for Mustard, Bristol Improv Theatre:

Nice, good


Wednesday 09/03 - PantoSoc's 'Goldilocks', Pegg Theatre:

friends fun cast


Thursday 10/03 - Bristol Underground Comedy, Loco Klub:

Comedy, mixe,


Friday 11/03 - Falstaff Revue, Lansdown Pub:

Performed, cack


Saturday 12/03 - Chubby White's 1001 Nights, PRSC:

Laughing and 


Sunday 13/03 - Hill-arity, Brewhouse:

Sunday friendly

The Newsly Day 20.02.16

New drug craze stains British cities

Replacing the importation of Middle Eastern opium aided by the Gulf Wars of years past, an altogether more deadly substance has been afflicting Britain’s poorest.

With the self-sacrificial tactics of foreign extremist groups comes a frightening new lifestyle, as reports of TNT-huffing flood into the newsroom.

The high explosive material, popularised by the Looney Tunes cartoon characters Wile E. Coyote and The Roadrunner, supposedly has some powerful hallucinogenic properties. The highs are intense, but the side effects are devastating, including brain damage, birth defects, and of course spontaneous explosion.

The risk to others around TNT users is huge. During the week alone, there were three ‘bombs’, street slang used to indicate when somebody has ingested too large a dose of TNT and explodes when exposed to a heat source. The new trend is doubly dangerous to innocent lives, and the police are on high alert after it was later discovered that one of the ‘bombs’, which occurred in the US embassy on Thursday afternoon, was in fact an intentional bomb attack by the terrorist group ISIS.

Initial analyses of the potential spread of TNT in London alone are worrying. It is predicted that there is enough in circulation to completely fill the Houses of Parliament twice, and blow Big Ben up Ben Nevis and back again.

In a press meeting about the issue this morning Chief Constable Harry Dirt of the Met Police said, “We point the finger firmly at the Muslim community. Not just Muslims, of course, but also Muslim sympathisers. Whoever is coming in and out of the Middle East is suspected of carrying this substance, and the penalty is great. For Muslims.”

Responses by the public to these comments have been reactionary. Sandra Klondike, leader of the leftist group ‘Legalise TNT… Now! Please’ spoke out immediately. “Religion has nothing to do with it. TNT is a natural material. It’s of the Earth, just like maize or uranium or polyester. It should be our human right to use it as we please.”

But as we now hear already this Saturday evening that more than 30 clubs across the country have been affected by ‘bombs’ as people celebrate their weekend a little too much, is it time to really crack down harshly on the sources of the influx of this deadly product? The thousands of dead people would probably agree with me. That’s if they weren’t dead.

Spotlight on Dinner - Bravas

Last night I went to the Tapas restaurant Bravas on Cotham Hill, Bristol. The modest exterior was the perfect gateway to the cosy, but bustling atmosphere within. Jumping on the opportunity of a cancelled reservation, it was clearly a popular joint, and it didn’t take long to see why. But enough of the décor, let’s get to the important bit. Service was quick and it didn’t take long for the first few dishes to arrive. The salted prawns were grilled to perfection, and my company agreed. Next I tried the hake. I wasn’t sure what the intention was of bringing all the seafood at once, but I’m glad they did. It was simply orgasmic. The lamb balls came next. Expertly marinated and with a very moist texture, they were just as delicious. The creamy potato tortilla put the ‘Bravas’ in Bravas, and incited in me a kind of sexual stimulation. The suggestion of going to Bravas in the first place was predicated largely upon their trademark aubergine fries. Well-seasoned, they lived up to their expectation and more, and conjured images of firm ladies’ breasts. The whole palette together had me visibly turned on. I was coming out in hot flushes, and you could have guessed I was in a brothel sandwiched between two vagina-clad women. One critique I would have is that it wasn’t a particularly filling array. I had to stick more into myself in the form of dessert. Wine-cooked figs with a dark chocolate dipping sauce, wonderfully-textured truffles, oh so not too sweet meringues with almonds, and a fantastic cardamom ice cream. I couldn’t do anything but scream as a result of the intense pleasure I felt. By the end of the evening my pants were what can only be described as sodden. I was essentially filled up to my waist with my own semen. It was one of the most satisfying evenings of dining I have ever had. Bravas is the finest woman of a restaurant and I would wholeheartedly recommend it to anybody, regardless of sexual inclination, and the whole outing was incredibly affordable.

My rating: 10 units out of 10

The Newsly Day 09.02.16

Computer hackers break into NSA

United States security services are on high alert this morning after a breach in the defences of their most secure governmental department.

The break-in is predicted to have occurred at around 4am local time. The motive is still unknown. Once inside, the culprits proceeded to damage company property and tamper with employee’s date and time settings on their computers. Armed with spray paint, messages such as “N S Gay” and “Nerd Alert!” were written on the walls. 6 monitors are reported stolen.

Identification of the offenders is taking longer than expected due to the security camera footage having been removed.

“They knew exactly where to go to get the tapes from, and how to get them out of the recording device. These guys were clearly professional hackers”, said Steve Dawson of the Anne Arundel County Sheriff’s Department, who is leading the criminal investigation.

“We are currently interviewing any potential witnesses and asking anybody within the Fort Meade area with any information to come forward, be they military personnel or the families of military personnel.”

The night-watchman on duty, a Mr. Keith Squibb, was allegedly taken ill after eating too many unpopped corn kernels. His absence from the front desk allowed the incident to occur relatively unchallenged save for leaving a few lights on which possibly deterred any lengthier intrusion.

Despite the swift local response, the incident does cast serious doubts over the country’s domestic security situation. Is increasing security the answer? And will taxpayers be willing to front the bill for some sort of keycard system or a better deadlock?

The Newsly Day 25.01.16

New tennis balls range marketed at dogs

Despite record TV audiences for grand slam tennis so far this year, top tennis brands have taken a new approach to sales.

A recent poll conducted by Pets At Home found that of every ten new tennis balls sold in the UK, nine are bought by dog owners, eight of which are given directly to the animals (the remaining one accounting for dog owners that actually do play tennis).

The rebrand takes the form of an innovative new marketing campaign aimed at dogs, with pictures of happy dogs playing tennis on the packaging.

Mr. Wilson from Slazenger was delighted at the outcome. “We’ve saved a fortune in printing costs. Black ink is much cheaper than colour.”

Mr. Slazenger from Wilson said: “Along with the rebrand, the product itself has taken on a few changes. We’ve replaced the rubber with bone, and instead of the famous green fuzz, we’ve used chicken fat”.

We spoke to some dogs from the east London suburb of Barking. 80% of those interviewed responded positively with wagging tails and drooling ears. One group from the local tennis club were less pleased, however:

“It’s a f**king stupid idea. I don’t care how many focus groups they held, the balls don’t bounce anymore. What are we supposed to do? The canine lawn tennis championships start next week!”

When asked to comment on this injustice, Richard Head of Head responded: “Injustice? You really call yourself an impartial journalist? You make me sick. Now get out of my hospital room.”

The product launch takes place tomorrow evening at a secret location in Wimbledon.