The Newsly Day 20.02.16

New drug craze stains British cities

Replacing the importation of Middle Eastern opium aided by the Gulf Wars of years past, an altogether more deadly substance has been afflicting Britain’s poorest.

With the self-sacrificial tactics of foreign extremist groups comes a frightening new lifestyle, as reports of TNT-huffing flood into the newsroom.

The high explosive material, popularised by the Looney Tunes cartoon characters Wile E. Coyote and The Roadrunner, supposedly has some powerful hallucinogenic properties. The highs are intense, but the side effects are devastating, including brain damage, birth defects, and of course spontaneous explosion.

The risk to others around TNT users is huge. During the week alone, there were three ‘bombs’, street slang used to indicate when somebody has ingested too large a dose of TNT and explodes when exposed to a heat source. The new trend is doubly dangerous to innocent lives, and the police are on high alert after it was later discovered that one of the ‘bombs’, which occurred in the US embassy on Thursday afternoon, was in fact an intentional bomb attack by the terrorist group ISIS.

Initial analyses of the potential spread of TNT in London alone are worrying. It is predicted that there is enough in circulation to completely fill the Houses of Parliament twice, and blow Big Ben up Ben Nevis and back again.

In a press meeting about the issue this morning Chief Constable Harry Dirt of the Met Police said, “We point the finger firmly at the Muslim community. Not just Muslims, of course, but also Muslim sympathisers. Whoever is coming in and out of the Middle East is suspected of carrying this substance, and the penalty is great. For Muslims.”

Responses by the public to these comments have been reactionary. Sandra Klondike, leader of the leftist group ‘Legalise TNT… Now! Please’ spoke out immediately. “Religion has nothing to do with it. TNT is a natural material. It’s of the Earth, just like maize or uranium or polyester. It should be our human right to use it as we please.”

But as we now hear already this Saturday evening that more than 30 clubs across the country have been affected by ‘bombs’ as people celebrate their weekend a little too much, is it time to really crack down harshly on the sources of the influx of this deadly product? The thousands of dead people would probably agree with me. That’s if they weren’t dead.

Spotlight on Dinner - Bravas

Last night I went to the Tapas restaurant Bravas on Cotham Hill, Bristol. The modest exterior was the perfect gateway to the cosy, but bustling atmosphere within. Jumping on the opportunity of a cancelled reservation, it was clearly a popular joint, and it didn’t take long to see why. But enough of the décor, let’s get to the important bit. Service was quick and it didn’t take long for the first few dishes to arrive. The salted prawns were grilled to perfection, and my company agreed. Next I tried the hake. I wasn’t sure what the intention was of bringing all the seafood at once, but I’m glad they did. It was simply orgasmic. The lamb balls came next. Expertly marinated and with a very moist texture, they were just as delicious. The creamy potato tortilla put the ‘Bravas’ in Bravas, and incited in me a kind of sexual stimulation. The suggestion of going to Bravas in the first place was predicated largely upon their trademark aubergine fries. Well-seasoned, they lived up to their expectation and more, and conjured images of firm ladies’ breasts. The whole palette together had me visibly turned on. I was coming out in hot flushes, and you could have guessed I was in a brothel sandwiched between two vagina-clad women. One critique I would have is that it wasn’t a particularly filling array. I had to stick more into myself in the form of dessert. Wine-cooked figs with a dark chocolate dipping sauce, wonderfully-textured truffles, oh so not too sweet meringues with almonds, and a fantastic cardamom ice cream. I couldn’t do anything but scream as a result of the intense pleasure I felt. By the end of the evening my pants were what can only be described as sodden. I was essentially filled up to my waist with my own semen. It was one of the most satisfying evenings of dining I have ever had. Bravas is the finest woman of a restaurant and I would wholeheartedly recommend it to anybody, regardless of sexual inclination, and the whole outing was incredibly affordable.

My rating: 10 units out of 10

The Newsly Day 09.02.16

Computer hackers break into NSA

United States security services are on high alert this morning after a breach in the defences of their most secure governmental department.

The break-in is predicted to have occurred at around 4am local time. The motive is still unknown. Once inside, the culprits proceeded to damage company property and tamper with employee’s date and time settings on their computers. Armed with spray paint, messages such as “N S Gay” and “Nerd Alert!” were written on the walls. 6 monitors are reported stolen.

Identification of the offenders is taking longer than expected due to the security camera footage having been removed.

“They knew exactly where to go to get the tapes from, and how to get them out of the recording device. These guys were clearly professional hackers”, said Steve Dawson of the Anne Arundel County Sheriff’s Department, who is leading the criminal investigation.

“We are currently interviewing any potential witnesses and asking anybody within the Fort Meade area with any information to come forward, be they military personnel or the families of military personnel.”

The night-watchman on duty, a Mr. Keith Squibb, was allegedly taken ill after eating too many unpopped corn kernels. His absence from the front desk allowed the incident to occur relatively unchallenged save for leaving a few lights on which possibly deterred any lengthier intrusion.

Despite the swift local response, the incident does cast serious doubts over the country’s domestic security situation. Is increasing security the answer? And will taxpayers be willing to front the bill for some sort of keycard system or a better deadlock?